two god damn years... it has been almost 2 years since I started this blog.

For the first time today I got mad at him for reasons I have never been mad at him before.
I was pissed off and picked a fight with him about his myspace gf (the girl who likes to call and talk to him about her private parts). I don't care that he likes her, I don't care that she wants him. Good for them. Maybe he finally will fucking be happy instead of the perpetual miserable prick I have known for 4+ years.

I got pissed off today because his inablility to be the man and father that he should have has caused my daughter to start to think that it is her fault that he and I argue.

Case in point: Asshole works like 38579235 hours a day. Ok, more like 12-15. NOW, I KNOW he is busting his hump and that he deserves time to relax when he gets home. He commented that he was going to wait until the kids were in bed before he started playing that fucking Xbox.
But, as par for the course, he started at like 8pm when they weren't even ready for bed.
Fast forward 2 hours. Mind you he has spent NO time with his son and only 45 minutes with his daughter while I was at the grocery store. He is allowing his 3 year old baby girl to sit in the bed and watch him play this violent-ass video game that he KNOWS I don't think she should watch. But, what does he care?

Anyway, I asked him to help me find her pup-doggy as I was gonna put her to bed. He comments about how I wait until he is doing something to ask for help.... can you fucking believe that shit? I was waiting 2 god damn hours for you to STOP playing so that you could say good night to YOUR CHILDREN, asshole.

Needless to say it ended with raised voices and Baby Girl trying to tell me it was her fault.
*gulp*
"What's your fault, Baby?" I ask her. I knew what she was trying to explain, but she doesn't have the vocabulary. "I watch TV Daddy."
"Baby, it is NOT your fault" I said to her as I held her and kissed her face.
Asshole came in with her Pup-Doggie and I demanded that he tell her that it is NOT her fault. He stood right there as I said "Daddy should have waited to play that game until you were a sleep, baby." He agreed with me because he could tell that if he didn't there would be bigger problems.

I digress....

This has been weighing on my mind since it happened. Is she going to believe that the split between he and I is because of her, or something she did? And, then I started to get angry at him for putting me in the position to hate him.

If he would have just been a decent human being and not so fucking miserable and selfish I would have been able to stay with him.

It is not that I love him at this point or want to stay with him. To the contrary I am so ready to be with the one who will make me happy, the one who will love me and treat me with respect and make the things that are important to me, important to him. Idiot could never do this for me. That is why we are where we are.

But, that's not the point. I guess I am angry at him for making things hard on my daughter. If this is what it is going to be like and this is how she is going to feel, then GOD DAMN YOU DH.

You would think that you would have treated me like GOLD after you divorced that piece of shit that is The Boy's mother. You think with the things she did and didn't do, you would have been bending over backwards to make me happy because of the things I did foryou. You think that you would have helped me when I needed it. When I was BEGGING for you to be there for me and for your daughter.

Whatever. I should be thanking you DH. I will be positive with this. I am going to say that things will be rough in the beginning but eventually Baby Girl will adjust to you not being home everynight and she will move on with her life as I am going to with mine.
So, thank you for making me hate you enough so that I would leave/ Thank you for making it so that I can be with someone who will treat me right, respect my intelligence, and have some sort of ambition other than the xbox. Thank you for making my life so miserable for so long that when that special someone is treating me right, I will never take it for granted. Because, I will know just how shitty things can really be.